Caricature in Islam
[This article is H-(Hadith)
rated. Please do not read if your age is under 18.]
Abdul Salam Mohammed Zoud bin Zayed Al Maktoum
is a pious Muslim. He has a long beard, almost as long as his name. According
to a Hadith, Allah has 99 names, inspired by religious conviction, Sheikh
decided to produce 99 children. After marrying 60 times in his life, he
was able to fulfill the goal. He also has 2 concubines, with sired children
who are not included in the official "A" team of 99.
mind's eye already sees some readers rolling their eyes, accusing me of
hyperbole, but having 99 children is not a ludicrous idea for a Muslim
man. King Ibn Saud, the first monarch of Saudi Arabia, had an undisclosed
number of wives, some say the approx. 100. He also had 52 children of
which 37 were sons. Even Osama Mean Laden, the contemporary hero of the
Islamic world, has 53 brothers and sisters. So, in the age of Viagra,
it's eminently possible that the character of my story can harvest
99 children. Now back to the story...
Sheikh is not only macho and testosteronic, he's ecological: he recycles
his wives! According to Islamic laws, a Muslim man can only have four
wives at a time. However, there is a way to get around this unfair and
unnatural limitation. After all, a religious Muslim cannot be satisfied
with only four wives. Quranic verse 004.020 dictates,
"But if ye decide
to take one wife in place of another,
even if ye had given the latter a whole treasure for dower, take not the
least bit of it back: Would ye take it by slander and manifest wrong?"
men are obliged to pay a dowry when they marry women. The verse in question
simply allows a Muslim man to throw away his wife and write off the dowry
that he paid as an operating cost. Sheikh cleverly used this technique
and considered the dowry money as an in-the-bed overhead, in other words,
as an entertainment cost.
a grandson of Mohammad, had over seventy wives but he never crossed the
limit of four. With lump-sum dowries, he'd marry a woman, enjoy her for
a few days and then blithely divorce her. Some unholy folks might consider
the former wife nothing more than a glorified prostitute, but rest assured,
Islam is known for teaching family values!
casually discouraged divorce in a Hadith, saying, "Divorce is the most
hated of all lawful (halal) things in the sight of Allah." (Sunan Abu
Dawud, no. 2178). I am not sure how a lawful dictation could be the
most hated action! Naturally, those who wish to replace their wives are
only doing the right thing according to verse 4.20, as explained earlier.
What the heck was going through Mohammed's mind, or perhaps more accurately,
HIS BLOODSTREAM, when Allah issued this verdict?
Muslim husband can divorce his wife in a flash, even faster than it takes
a cached webpage to load up! All he has to do, is say 'divorce'
three times and the relationship is over. It is not so easy for a woman
though, Mohammad yelled in a Hadith, "If
any woman asks her husband for divorce without
some strong reason, the odor of Paradise
will be forbidden to her."
(Sunan Abu Dawud, Book 12, #2218)
father, Mohammed Laden had 11 wives, but never at the same time. He had
three permanent wives and he used the fourth slot for short-termers. Osama's
mother, Hamida, a beautiful Syrian lady filled in the fourth position
on a temporary basis. Because of her status and short-term position, other
wives and ex-wives called her 'slave' and Bin Laden the 'son
of the slave'. (Bin Laden: Behind the mask of the Terrorist, Adam
Robinson) Here we see Islamic family values 'in action.' Osama
and the prophet of Islam have a lot in common - parental negligence and
emotional deprivation... and sure enough, both became Franksteins.
hero of our story, Mr. Sheikh, lives in a palace with most of his children.
Jurists of Islam agree that after a divorce, mama gets custody over a
male child until he is 7 years old and over a female child, until she
is 9. Armed with such jurisprudence, Sheikh got almost all of his children
back. Some of his sons have married and they are following the same trend
as their father. Some daughters are also back in their papa's house because
their husbands married again. Like father, like son-in-law!
of today's world policies, the Sheikh has a hard time finding slave
women for quick purchase in open air markets. But when there's a will,
there's a way and so special channels to satisfy his koranically sanctioned
whims have been made available to him. Bad people steal or buy small children
from poor Muslim countries and transport them to wealthy people like
Sheikh Abdul Salam Mohammed Zoud bin Zayed Al Maktoum. The girls are
sent directly to his harem. The boys are often treated like Bonsai trees,
that is, starved, to keep their weight at minimum, whereupon they are
used as camel jockeys. The lighter the jockey, the better his chances
of winning the race.
the star of my story, is not doing anything wrong, in fact, he's striving
to fulfill his Islamic obligations. After all, having sex with a slave
woman is "Sunnah," which means following the example of Mohammad. In olden
times, the ruler of Alexandria, Egypt politely refused to become a Muslim
and sent two beautiful slave girls to Mohammad as a gift, a bribe to save
his neck from the ever-swooping Islamic sword. Mohammad kept Mariya, the
most beautiful one and gave her sister Sirin to his poet friend, Hassan
ibn Thabit. Mo's slave woman Mariya gave birth to Ibrahim who died
life chez M. Sheikh. His Olympic sized brood is living in a barrack and
Sheikh is visiting one wife after the other, slipping from one room to
the next with 'semen dribbling from his male organ'. I apologize
to the fainthearted for the indecent language, but it's verbatim from
a Hadith (Sahih Bukhari, V3, B44, N683:). Please note I only borrowed
the language and not the context. We must acquaint ourselves with the
secrets contained in the sacred books of Islam.
is very wise. When you have an army of wives, what could be more natural
than discipline problems? To facilitate law and order, Allah ordered Muslims
in verse 4.34 to feel free to beat their wives. Mr. Sheikh has a collection
of sticks that he does not hesitate to use when required. He uses the
small sticks on his wives and the sturdier ones on his slave women, as
clearly ordered by Mohammed, "--..and do not beat your wife as
you beat your slave-girl" (Sunan Abu-Dawud Book 1, Number 0142.)
a moderate Muslim would claim that Sheikh's lifestyle is Unislamic,
his story illustrates an actual picture of an actual Islamic family. The
moderates would credit Islam for those decent Muslim families who maintain
normal lives and who barely follow Islamic laws.
bonding is not the monopoly of Muslims. Hindus, Buddhists, Christians,
non-religious people and even the Mafia understand the importance of family
values. Actually, no other group can beat the Mafia. Their sense of unity
and dedication to the family deserves special commendation. Most of the
Asian countries strive to uphold family values. The Hindus of India are
faithful to their families and their devotion to them is no less than
that of the Muslims.
claimed in Sahih Bukhari (The book of belief), "None of you
will have faith till he loves ME more than his father, his
children and all mankind". His statement not only shows narcissism
but it influences Muslims to ignore their families and love Mohammad,
which most religious Muslims do. Now there is no difference between loving
Mohammad and loving Genghis Khan. We certainly cannot expect high moral
values from a person who is in love with any of those two historical figures.
not only Mohammad, even his shadowy friend Allah suffered from narcissism.
In verse, 63.9, Allah orders believers not to be distracted by children
when performing Allah's duty, which of course is nothing but blind worship
in order to spread Islam by hook or by crook. In verse, 64:14-15, he also
considers wives and children as enemies in this regard. Allah warned Muslims
to avoid the temptation of worldly life and dedicate themselves to Allah's
cause. So, Allah's alleged afterlife takes precedence over the family...
not a bright proposition to promote family values.
on family values derives from tradition and culture, and has nothing to
do with religion. Even though western countries have a higher divorce
rate, they too maintain families and enjoy the benefits of relationships.
It's a common claim of Muslims that western societies are rotten because
they promote free mixing and that they are wont to live together without
marriage. Sadly they fail to see the difference between the intercourse
of mutually consenting adults and the raping of a slave women or a man
having sex with four women just because he married them after pronouncing
a nuptial "spell." Many suffer from the misconception that all westerners
are porno stars or given to playing bedroom games on the street.
reality is, thousands and thousands of families visit Disneyland. They
don't mind standing hours and hours on line to share a thrill and a
smile with their kids. Parents play with their children in parks or accompany
them on field trips. Above all, they don't keep more than one wife
or girlfriend at a time. 'The Little House
on the Prairie', a famous 1980's TV series that illustrated a dedicated
American family, is still a favorite show among a great many people.
am not defending western society. They do have problems - a high divorce
rate deprives children of sharing the same parents. Oftentimes, Hollywood
movies and irresponsible medias put indecent scenes under everybody's
nose in the name of freedom of speech. They mix up R-rated and PG-13 movies
for no reason. Yet the advantage of freedom outshines the demerits. Women
are free to escape male domination. The women of Islamic countries instead,
live under their parents' supervision when young, under their husbands'
mercy after coming of age (which can still be shockingly young), only
to become totally dependant on their children's' mercy when old or in
case of widowhood.
Muslim debater asked, "Did not your family use ISLAM, spelled as I-S-L-A-M,
to teach you decency when you were just a youth?" This guy owes me a new
keyboard. The sudden outburst of laughter made me spill a whole cup of
coffee on my keyboard and I had to buy a new one.
embarrassing book of Islam known as the Quran does not talk about family
values. However, it encourages obeying and showing kindness to parents
in some of the verses such as, 2:83, 31:14, 46:15 and 17:23-24, but it
does not talk about planned parenthood, as a matter of fact Mohammad ordered
his followers to produce as many children as they could, so that they
can outnumber other religions. It must be disturbing for a child of Mr.
Sheikh to share parental love with 98 siblings, four stepmothers and two
hush-hush slave mothers. Who knows what kind of family values he/she would
learn other than becoming a suicide bomber!
apologists, swollen with pride, hail family values and quote verse 16:80
where Mohammad commented: "And Allah hath given you in your house an abode-".
We know it very well - "Home sweet home" is applicable to everyone.
Even birds fly back to their nests in the afternoon. I never understood
how this particular verse relates to family values! Just another desperate
attempt to prove something out of nothing.
Islam teach family values? Don't make me laugh again! Is hot coffee
good for keyboards?