To: Allah
Cc: Azhar Grand Imam
From: Ibn Kammuna
Dear Allah, Greeting
I am writing to you because I have to say I am disappointed in your final religion (so you say, but I can’t swear on it).
Look, I said the Shahada a dozen times thinking that will make me a Muslim like you said. Well, excuse my French, this is a bunch of bull. It did not work.
You say what? You want some details… Okay, Allah… you asked for it…
First I tried in the cold of winter to do Wudu. Water was too cold, and I did not like putting water in a Jar and pour on my hands, and so on. I have to say I was very disappointed. The infidels got it much better. Now, I take a refreshing hot water shower, infidel invention by the way, and that’s the end of that. No nonsense of pouring water to my elbows, etc.
And worse, Allah, I went to the mosque to pray. The stink just about killed me. Those Namazis kept farting in my face, excuse my French again dear. Especially when we bent forward. The Namazis in front of me kept farting left and right. Now, Allah, I could have done better than you in inventing prayer. People can just sit on chairs in their mosques just like civilized infidels. Now, can you tell me what is wrong with that. Then when I went out of the mosque, my good shoes were stolen! You see, Allah, why did you want us to pray shoe-less. This was really annoying, and is a set-up for stealing good shoes, and encourages a black market for shoes as well as creating thieves in our midst. I have to tell you, Allah, you really messed up when you decided the how to of prayer. Anyone could have done a job better than you on this one.
Also, why did you create pigs when we can’t even enjoy their meat? The other day, my infidel neighbor invited me to a meal. It was delicious. The meat was juicy tender loins no one can beat the taste. It was so good I had to ask the host what kind of beef it was. Well, guess what Allah! It was pig meat... super delicious. I just can’t understand you man with all those strange commands about what to eat and what not to eat. You fair even worse when it comes to drinking. Did you not know that drinking Wine and beer in moderation is good for our overall bodily health?
I am not complaining or anything Allah. Its just my frustration with your “super” religion is too much to bear. It’s not just your commands man. It’s your choice for your last prophet too. He was no more than a lowly thug. To be honest with you, Allah, anyone could have done better than you on that front. Did you know that Muhammad was a highway robber. He made a profession out of attacking the commercial livelihood caravans of those poor Meccans. Then when someone criticized him, he sent his henchmen to assassinate the perpetrator. In one day, he annihilated the whole tribe of Bani Qurayza. He beheaded 700 hundred innocent men and took the belongings of the tribe. Guess what he did after that, Allah. I am sure you know. You are all-knowing. He and the early Muslim men raped the Qurayza women. Now, why did you allow him to do that? I have to tell you, when infidels tell us that Muhammad was a bad omen wherever he went, we have to keep our mouths shut, because that is the truth.
Worse yet, your final prophet had no respect for any treaty or anything holy. He broke the Hudaibia treaty many times. He attacked during a sacred month a commercial caravan in his Nakhla raid. He even ordered killing poor Ibn Khatal, not an important person at all, who was holding to the curtains of the holy Ka’ba seeking refuge.
Allah, I have to admit, your prophet stinks. I could have easily chosen a better man than him to be my last prophet. It is true, your last prophet was no more than a bandit and a looter. If it was my choice, I would have chosen an educated man who was kind-hearted. Muhammad was ruthless and evil. I just cannot understand you Allah for so many bad choices when it comes to Islam.
Allah, I am leaving... You should have made better decisions if you wanted people to stick around…