last, two of the greatest self-appointed statesmen of
our time meet face-to-face, albeit in secret, to work
out an accommodation and avert the dreaded collision
between the United States of America and the Islamic
Republic of Iran.
media, in chorus, tell us that such a meeting has
neither happened nor is likely to happen. But, we
discovered the meeting and managed to record every
word of their conversation. Ordinarily, we do not do
any domestic spying. We know better than to tread on
the turf of the grossly overpaid and pampered
underperforming boys at the NSA—the fellows who labor
at their tasks daily by leaning back on their Lazy Boy
recliners, sipping Starbucks latte and divining
good-as-gold information from the ether.
know intellectually that eavesdropping is
reprehensible, if not outright criminal. But knowing
this did not stop us from so doing, because we felt
that in dealing with Muslims, we are free to level the
playing field. Muslims are taught that the goal
justifies the means. That is, if the goal is
important, you say and do whatever it takes to achieve
it. So we employed the Islamic ethos and eavesdropped
shamelessly. Here is our summary report.
two men entered the room, locked the door from inside
and performed a full-body-hug with three pecks on each
other’s cheeks. It made our hearts melt to see such a
display of friendship and affection. Why couldn’t the
two countries be as loving toward each others as these
two great men, we wistfully asked ourselves.
we could relish the tender scene for a minute, we got
the jolt of our life. Khatami spoke fluent English
with an excellent American accent, so far as we could
tell, since we are not exactly expert in the subject
even though we have been living and studying in the
States for several years. The two spoke with great
informality and colloquially as would two best
friends. We assure you, on our honor, and we are not
using the Islamic honor here—you can trust us. We did
not manipulate the contents of what transpired between
Carter the Freak and Khatami the Fake, but violated
the standard operating procedure of the liberal
mainstream media that habitually sanitize all reports
that pertain to Islam and Muslims.
"Muslims are taught that the goal justifies the
means. That is, if the goal is important, you
say and do whatever it takes to achieve it. So
we employed the Islamic ethos and eavesdropped
shamelessly. Here is our summary report."
Muhammad dear, I am delighted to see you. Thank you so
very much for consenting to meet with me. I certainly
hope that you are not taking a chance by so doing.
Your colleague in Iran, some of your enemies anyway,
may think you are an American agent.
smiling mullah stretches his lips a bit wider, in his
habitual pretense smile, and thinks to himself. Relax
man. Relax. My colleagues themselves have commissioned
me on a soap job and people like you are perfect for
it.) My dear Jimmy, I thank you for your concern.
Being the true perceptive and caring man that you are,
you see the risk I am taking. But, taking risks in
pursuit of what is right is the story of my entire
life. I have no fears. I have to stand up to
principles and speak up, no matter what. Just like
you, my dear Jimmy. You have been my model. You go
around the world and expose the evil-doings of
American administrations controlled by the twin evils
of Wall-Street and the Zionists. Actually they are one
and the same, since the Jews own Wall Street as well.
Freak: Thank you
Muhammad, thank you very much. You’re so kind. May I
call you “Mo?” Since each time I say “Muhammad,” I
think of the other guy, you know who I mean. And that
throws me off.
Fake: By all
means. Don’t I call you “Jimmy,” twice contracted from
“James?” “Among friends, formalities have no place” is
an old Arabic saying. And, we are friends, aren’t we
Jimmy? By the way, you have not aged in the least over
the years. How do you keep yourself so young? Also,
may I ask what are you doing these days with yourself?
Are you back to peanut farming or busy with your new
line of work—building houses for the poor?
and in a contrived self-effacing tone) Thank you for
the compliment. I keep busy. I suppose that’s the
secret of staying young.
(Stretching his ever apart lips, he says to himself
that the fool can still be greased so easily. He looks
like a fully dried-up prune. And watch him drool a bit
on the left side of his crooked mouth, the drooling
idiot). Yes, yes indeed. I follow with great
admiration your numerous international travels to
settle disputes, supervise elections and just serve as
a great ambassador of peace and justice. You are a
paragon of fairness, in contrast to that ruthless
cowboy in the White House. How I wish that you were
still the president and our two countries could have
worked like the best of friends.
Freak: Yes. I do
apologize for him. You know who. In fact, in much of
my international mediation and peacemaking work, I
spend a great deal of time apologizing to the people
that he and his administration victimize. He is a
trigger happy Texan. In this country all you have to
say is that a follow is from Texas and you need say no
Fake: Yes, my
dear Jimmy, I do fully understand how you feel.
Between us and in the strictest confidence, I am
meeting with you on behalf of Imam Khamenei, the
Viceroy of God on earth and the supreme leader of the
Islamic Republic of Iran, to express to you our
infinite gratitude for your political acumen and
humanitarian decision of 1979. Without your help in
keeping the perfidious shah on a leash, we couldn’t
have had our Islamic revolution. We are not an
ungrateful people, as some suggest. We always pay back
the favors we receive. And, I am here to work things
out between our two nations with your help.
Mo, I am the one to thank you and your colleagues for
preventing Iran from turning Communist by your
decisive actions. We had reports that the people were
about to embrace Communism and fall in league with
your then neighbor, the Soviet Union.
Iranians would as soon turn Zionists than become
Communists, you fool). Yes indeed my dear Jimmy. And
what is our reward? We are slandered by your president
as a member of the axis of evil, we suffer all kinds
of economic pressures, we are stigmatized as a
terrorist state, and the world’s worst sponsor of
terrorism. Can you believe that? No kindness ever goes
unpunished, it seems.
Freak: It is my
cross to bear, as we Christians like to use the
metaphor. It has fallen upon me to apologize at every
juncture with the various peoples that this country
has wronged and continues to wrong. So, please accept
my apologies on behalf of the American people, as well
as myself. Also, my dear Mo, please tell your
colleagues to be a bit patient. You know who and his
gang of fool Neoconservatives will be kicked out of
office starting with the coming mid-term election and
people of my party will settle our differences
amicably. Didn’t you, yourself, say that I did help
you get rid of the perfidious Shah? I plan to stay the
course and do what I can to see good people work
together for the common good.
Fake: Thank you
my dear Jimmy. Your wisdom and advice are pure gold.
We’ll take to heart every word of your advice. You are
also a gracious man and a true Christian devoted to
that great man of peace, Jesus Christ, the son of
Mary. Incidentally, you must forgive me for not
inquiring right at the start about your dear wife. How
is Mrs. Carter? Is she as young-looking as you are? (I
bet you are still lusting in your heart? Why lust in
your heart, what good is virtual lust, you fool? Just
join us—become a Muslim and lust in actuality. It is
the biggest deal for both sides. You get to lust all
you want with the very beautiful young maidens—all the
lovelies you want and you can handle with help from
the wonderful performance enhancers that we ourselves
use with great satisfaction, thanks to your
pharmaceutical industry. Our side also gets the huge
propaganda by the news of ‘Jimmy-the-freak’ Carter
converting to the one and only true faith of
Freak: Thank you
very much. You are so kind, Mo. Roslyn is fine. She is
getting on in age. She is more withdrawn than in the
past—a quiet woman of ordinary nature and
capabilities. I must apologize that I do not know
anything about your spouse to inquire of her
condition. I hope that she is well.
Fake: (Yeah, all
four permanent ones are well, but I don’t spend much
time with any one of them. Whenever my lust system
honks, the local mullah brings me young, beautiful and
exciting seeghe—concubine—that I entertain, rather she
entertains me, until I run out of stamina. Then I rest
and get ready for the next one. Now, tell me, who has
got a better deal? Thanks to Allah and Muhammad we
Muslim men are so nicely provided for, with none of
this virtual stuff for us. We lust, we act in real
world.) Yes, in our culture we do not disclose
information about our women. The reason I asked about
Mrs. Carter, I was trying to follow the advice, “When
in Rome, act as the Romans do.”
Freak: I do
apologize, if I offended your sensibilities, by
Fake: Oh no, not
at all, my dear Jimmy. I was just demonstrating our
cultural differences. Both are valid to be sure.
That’s why I keep pleading with an unheeding world
about the importance of Dialogue of Civilizations—the
only just and peaceful way to settle any and all
disagreements that exist among civilized people of
indeed, dialogue is the way to go, not violence. But
there is a great deal of violence on the Islamic side.
All the suicide bombings, beheadings and
indiscriminate killings are giving Islam a bad
reputation. I know that Islam means “Peace.” All the
Imams in our country say that, and I believe them. But
the American public is both skeptical and superficial
and I must apologize for that. They watch on their
televisions—again I must apologize for their moronic
habit of gluing themselves to their television sets,
gorging themselves on junk food and swallowing whole
what they see and hear on the set as the Gospel truth.
They are horrified by some of the things the few
radical Muslims do and blame the mainstream
peace-loving generality of Muslims for those acts.
They just don’t realize that Muslims have serious
legitimate grievances that they aim to redress.
Fake: Here is
where you come in, my dear Jimmy. (Being gullible
works both ways, you dummy. People like you can cover
for our horrific deeds by time and again saying that
these atrocities are the work of a few who have
hijacked Islam, the radicals and so forth. You and
your ilk, the legions of Useful Idiots, are our most
valued resource. You must remember the meeting of Dan
Rather with Saddam Hussein. How the Prima Donna
reporter kept kissing up to the brute to ingratiate
himself to him? And how skillfully the butcher of Iraq
exploited him, with an international audience watching
on the tube? Well, history repeats itself. This time
around, your Ace reporter Mike Wallace did a
face-to-face with our errand boy, President Mahmood
Ahmadinejad. And guess what? Our boy that many of you
call monkey, made a real monkey out of your super
reporter. The same reporter whose very name sends
shudders down the spines of your biggest captains of
commerce and industry—people who rather face the
executioner than being interrogated and exposed by the
so-perceived master investigator. For as long as we
have people like you and your best reporters are
people like Mike Wallace, we have it made.) As a
highly respected statesman and a man of peace, the
American public believes you and accepts the
invaluable understanding that you so freely and
selflessly share with them. They see in you a true man
of God. Don’t you go around wielding hammers, saws,
nails and building shelters for the poor? Your words,
then, are as good as your sterling deeds. So, you
should keep on de-bunking all the wicked accusations
about the peaceful nature of Islam.
thank you Mo. But it is becoming more and more
difficult for me to exonerate the mainstream Islam
from allegations, baseless as they are. Some fools say
this, not me, that the Islamic Republic of Iran is the
paymaster of many of the atrocities and acts of
terrorism. I know, for instance, that the Pakis in
England were the ones who got caught for their
horrendous plan of blowing up several plane-full of
innocent civilians in midair. Again, some Americans, I
must apologize, say that your boys developed the
Islamic Cocktail for the Pakis to use. Is there any
truth to that Mo?
Fake: Now why
would we want to do that, my dear Jimmy? You know full
well that cocktails are completely forbidden by our
Freak: No, I
don’t mean alcoholic cocktail. I am just using a
metaphor knowing that you are an erudite person of the
first order and you would see it as such.
Fake: Oh, I see.
No, my dear friend. The Pakis are idiots (you are not
the only one), and we know better than to get involved
with them. I swear to you that we had nothing to do
with that stupid bungled-up misadventure.
Freak: I have no
reason not to believe you, but would you help me out.
People are aghast at the ungrateful Pakis. Again, I am
not saying this, some cynical suspicious people in my
country say that it boggles the mind that England lets
these destitute Pakis from the boonies of places like
Vazirestan come and live with lifelong generous
handouts of the good-hearted Brits and then do what
they did and planned to do. I mean these people tap
all the welfare benefits, produce kids like rabbits, I
apologize for that metaphor dear Mo, the British
system coddles them, and these born and bred Paki
Muslims bomb their undergrounds and were about to blow
up the planes. How do you respond to these
Fake: My dear
Jimmy, you and I know better than thinking the world
as a completely sane place. There are always renegades
in every society. We need not get sidetracked. Once we
solve the greater problem, reaching an accommodation
between our two nations, the annoyances like the
idiocy of the Pakis and before them the Saudi
hijackers can be easily addressed.
Freak: It is so
reassuring to have men of confidence and great vision
like you, my dear Mo. I only wish that we had people
of similar acumen and insight on our side and, as you
so correctly say, we could together handle any and all
Fake: Thank you
for the compliment, my friend. “If you can envision
it, you can attain it,” is my guiding philosophy. I
see the present trials and tribulations besetting the
world as no more than the death pangs of the old
permissive and decadent order and the re-birth of a
spiritual world along the vision of Jesus, son of
Mary, and our beloved Prophet.
Freak: I am so
comforted by your soothing words, streaming from your
ever-present smiling lips. Again, I wish that we had
people of your caliber on our side to work with you
and make our dream of a peaceful and just world become
Fake: My dear
Jimmy, you do. You indeed have great statesmen who are
presently sidelined by the election-cheater, the
Texan. Take heart and be optimistic. Although, ideally
we would have loved to have had you in command to work
with, there are lesser others who can help our vision
Freak: Can you
name them? Would you, in confidence, if you wish?
Fake: With you,
it is all like sharing information with the most
trustworthy friend. I have no reason to keep anything
whatsoever from you. Yes, just to name a few: John
Kerry, Howard Dean, and even a woman, Nancy Pelosi.
The last one is a bit whacky, though. Not only is she
a woman, she also hails from your Sodom, San
Francisco. She is a staunch advocate and defender of
acts of sins, specifically sanctioned in your own
Bible, if you know what I mean?
Freak: Yes, yes,
I do know and know it just too well. But, that’s the
Democratic Party of the present. It has gone so far to
the left that some call it the Fringe Party. I am
afraid that even if we win the House, the Senate and
the Presidency, the people will, in no time, wake up
and see the party for what it is and literally shovel
us out like you know what.
Fake: Things are
not that bad. Stay optimistic, as I always do. Let us
get down to a couple of specifics—the real reasons for
my coming here.
friend speak up. I am listening.
Fake: As you
well know, the guiding principle in politics is
realism. We need to have a vision, but we also must be
realistic about how to achieve that vision. There is
no reason for our two nations to continue sparring
with each other. We both gain so much by working
together. It is a win-win deal. Just like the old
days, the way America and the tin-soldier Shah worked
together. This time around, we can have the same
mutually beneficial arrangement between our people.
Freak: How so?
I’d love to hear you out.
Fake: We can be
your best and most reliable friend in the Middle East,
and we do want to be just that. Never mind all the
public trash about the Great Satan and all. Deep in
our hearts we do love America and Americans. Don’t you
read the papers? All the reports about how Iranians
hospitably treat any American tourists, how our young
emulate your culture, dance to your music and lap up
everything with the least American flavor to it?
Freak: Yes, yes
I suppose. But how do we actually do this? How do we
become the best of friends?
Fake: To be
honest, it is not going to be free for America. Any
free deal is worth exactly what you pay for it,
nothing, right? Let me explain. Other than that little
Jewish state, you have no friends in the entire
region, and with friends like Israel, you hardly need
any enemies. They keep costing you a fortune in every
conceivable way—money, popularity and what not. The
Saudis booted your military out and, in your latest
misadventure in Iraq, didn’t even let you use their
territory for the invasion. The Turks, supposedly your
staunch friend, and a member of NATO, told you to take
a walk, all the way around, when you begged and bribed
them to let you use their land bridge for the invasion
of Iraq. Do I need to belabor the point? You have no
friends there. Agreed?
Freak: I am
afraid you are right. Tell me the rest, please.
Fake: Now, then.
We volunteer to be your friend provided that you just
pack up and go home. You don’t need to have a single
soldier, marine or airman in the region. You don’t
have to spend a thin dime on your military there to
get what you want—ample, steady supplies of oil. We
will see to it and we give you our word on it. We will
even formally pen it.
sounds reasonable enough. You know that we Americans
don’t have any imperialistic ambitions. It just so
happens that we are incurably addicted to oil, and
until we find an alternative fix, we just have to have
it. The way it seems to me, the American oil companies
will see to it that we don’t find a satisfactory
substitute. See, that’s the way capitalism works. It
reminds me of what Nikita Khrushchev once said, “You
can trust the capitalist to sell you the rope to hang
him with.” I am sorry for lecturing.
thing my friend. It seems odd to us that America is so
dense in certain respects. Why do you, time and again,
get into fights you cannot win? Allow me to supply the
answer. You simply don’t have the heart and the
staying power to finish the job. You go warring
without thinking it through first and you go about it
half way and half-heartedly. Why do it, if you go
about it this way? You suffer a few casualties and you
start thinking about bailing out. Your people get
ready to lynch the Administration and stone your own
soldiers as soon as a few body bags are unloaded from
airplanes with the CNN cameras showing them from every
angle and sonorous music playing in the background.
What do your people think about war? It is not a
friendly football match. It is killing—serious
killing. Kill or be killed.
true, true and true. What do you propose?
Fake: Leave any
warring that has to be done to us. That’s part of the
deal. You won’t have to lose a single soldier. We, in
contrast to you, are not afraid of dying. This world
to us is only a passageway—a worthless one at that. We
breathlessly await getting through it and into Allah’s
glorious promised paradise. You people celebrate life
and we relish death. Hasan Nasrullah, our man in
Lebanon and the leader of Hizbullah, publicly
reiterated this notion as his warriors valiantly
fought the cowardly Israelis and happily embraced
martyrdom. We don’t welcome fighting, but we will
gladly fight when the cause is right.
Freak: But some
people, the suspicious Islam-haters, say that you
can’t be trusted, that you have devious grandiose
plans. You aim to rule the Middle East, acquire
nuclear weapons and with the twin life and death means
of oil and nukes venture out to Islamize the entire
world. What can we say to them?
Fake: My dear
friend, you said it yourself. These people are
suspicious Islam-haters who will not settle for any
answer. They are irritants that will be proven wrong
when they see us honorably doing our part, keeping the
region in peace and keeping oil flowing without
interruption. We have no desire ‘whatsoever’ to
Islamize the world. We give you our sacred pledge on
the holy Quran.
reassuring my dear Mo. Now, tell me what I can do to
Fake: You can
indeed help, once again, to crown your illustrious
achievements. History will record you as one of the
greatest insightful statesman of our time, a man who
helped to avert great suffering not only to his
people, but to the entire world. What you may want to
do is to exert your immense influence with members of
your party—particularly the leadership—to make them
see reality. You may persuade them to abandon the
foolish hostile policy of the Texan and work with us
to our two nations’ great and lasting benefit.
up from his chair and embraces the big Teddy Bear
mullah for a long long time). Dear Mo, thank you for
meeting with me and sharing with me your great
insights. Now I see what you mean about how dialogue
can indeed accomplish what no amount of fighting can.
I give you my word of honor that I’ll do all I can to
accomplish what you suggested.
Fake: (I count
on you, you chief Useful Idiot, and the far left. With
big mouth Simpletons like you, we are assured of
defeating you and establishing Allah’s Ummeh on
earth). I am the one to thank you my dear Jimmy.
Please take good care of yourself and perhaps deign to
honor us by coming to Iran for a visit, God willing.