Islam Under Scrutiny by Ex-Muslims

Articles, Comments

Better late then never ─ An apostate speaks out

Dear Dr. Ali Sina,

Sorry to send you a long pm despite knowing your scarcities of valued time. I thought many times about it, to write a testimony to thank you and let you know about me. Though I joined FFI in december 2005, I am sharing it now in july 2006, well, better late then never.

I can’t remember exactly when the seed of doubt implanted in my mind about the religion I born into. It could be then when I used to attend the Friday prayers in the mosque and my hands were raised too with the believers to praise Allah and his Rasul (Prophet) to bring devastation to Israel day after day, Friday after Friday with no result.

Or, it could be then, when I learnt, a Mumeen (faithful) is entitled to have 72 vigins in after life, but a Mumeena need to be satisfied with just sharing her old earthly husband with other 72 competitors? Or then, when I confronted the Quranic verse to beat one's wife (lightly!). (i.e. I did know the sahih hadith that suggests a Salat become void if an ass, a dog and or a woman pass across in front and Aisha prompted teasing in sadness (?) and wondered "you guys made us women equivalent to dogs")

No, I don't think it did happen then. I still was attending prayers more seriously so that Allah could guide me from evil thoughts prompted in my mind provoked by Satan.

My father is a very strict and devoted Muslim. He went to Mecca to perform the hajj. When I was a college student, we used to perform magreeb, eesha and Fazr salat with jamat at home. My father used to be the imam and we two brothers were his followers.

As it was as usual in my neighborhood, to arrange “Islamic Jalsa” (Waz Mahfill- like a seminar where Moulana’s delivers there uncensored (hate) speeches using many loud speakers) for three days, 5 days or even 7 days during winter. Sometimes I used to participate voluntarily in the youth team to serve hujurs (Muslim priest) and to look after other small things so that the Mahfil can go on uninterruptedly and peacefully (?). I can remember, once in a similar Mahfil, a Molana was speaking about Jews and enlightening audience regarding the filthy natures of Jews and how despicable they are to Allah among all Allah’s creatures, how they used to fabricate god’s orders, how they used to kill their prophets and how they became apes.

Before going to the bed I asked my father about it. He attested it as a matter of fact according to the holy Quran and Hadith and I should not have any doubt in my mind about Quran. I went to bed with no doubt (?) in my mind.

Next day, another Moulana was delivering his speech and it was about women. He was telling that according to Rasul, women have half intelligence to a man. I was pondering, how come, my mother is half intelligent than to my father where as proofs are showing opposite pictures sometimes!

I talked to my father again about it and as usually he validates it according to the Hadith. This time the pill was much bitter for me to swallow. I argued giving references of great women like mother Teresa, Madam Marie Curie etc. I asked him if he thinks either of him or that Molana is doubled intelligent then Madam Marie Curie. He became speechless, his face turned into red and he was about to burst on me. After taking a long breath, he asked my mother to take care of me as he can see I am going astray day-by-day. Yes, he was very right!

After that incident, whenever I looked upon my mother, my mind was telling me, no, this can’t be true. It is discrimination to my mother, to my sister and to all women.

I felt an urge to examine the thing by myself. I decided to read Quran, Hadith and Islamic history in Bangla for my own sake and wait, there were lots of surprises waiting for me.

It was a striking situation for me after reading the Quran. Rather getting answers of my questions, many new questions popped up into mind of which I had to have satisfactory answers from any reliable source. In plain, I needed to have good explanations from the local authority. I started to keep notes of the Quranic verses while reading, which was, in my view, subjected for explanations. It was the month of Ramadan and I did it for the entire month, reading and keeping notes.

In the day of Eid-ul-Fitre, local Moulanas came to our home as invited by my father. I got the opportunity to place my notes to them after Quran are very much time bounded? I could see, it is dealing, instructing about day-to-day affairs of the prophet and his vicinities, prescribing persecutions of peoples of his own time, Allah is peering, invoking in prophets household affairs, telling tales which others have told long before Muhammed. Quran mentions about several nations of past but not for a single time there is any mention about other ancient peoples in China or India or any other i.e America which was unknown to the Arabs of prophet’s time. Didn’t Allah know America, China, India or Australia? How come he forgot or just did not care about more than half of the any time population of his earth? How it is legitimized for Allah to send peoples of 7th century India and China or Papua new Guyana into hell for being charged of idolatry where as they were unaware of what laws Allah was delivering in Arabia through his Rasul. In this case, what will happen to them after life? Are they going to paradise or hell? Why?

How can this very book of ultimate knowledge contains absurdities, like existence of Jinn, talking ants, shooting missile towards wild jinn, moon is an instrument to keep record of times, mountains are pegs to keep balance of the earth etc? If, after uttering Talaq (Divorce) three times by the husband, if the couple decide to be re united, why the woman has to be married with a third person and this third person must consummate her? Is not it insult to the woman and a punishment that she does not deserve? What kind of judgment is it?

I was a hopeless case to understand the eternity of the words of Allah and acts of his Rasul due to my satanic mind according to the head Moulana. Eventually, The head Moulana, his companions and my uncles came to the conclusion that it is the effect of my non Islamic education system of my university which must be discarded at once, in addition I am entitled to receive seven lashes in order for doubting on Allah and his Rasul and a Tawba is Farz (Mandatory) for me to repent. My venture of compiling disturbing verses from Quran and quest for explanation ends here with seven lashes and repentance. The notebook I presented has been tear down and burnt in front of all.

Next morning, I left my home with pains and unbound disgust.

Later, I tried to understand Islam as Muslims want us to the way. I failed; I could not understand how Allah made Mr. Omer satisfied by attesting his desire imposing Hijab on women through Quran! Oh he is all knowing almighty, off course HE can read Omar’s mind! But wait a minute, is not it the Quran that has been preserved in Loh Mahfuz by allah written in golden tablets before creating the universe?! If so, then how come this commandment did not come down before Omer showed his desire for that?! Behold! It is Allah who decides what to send down and when! Off course Allah knoweth the best!

Interestingly, he knew it too that in some extent of time he would need to attest the chastity of Aisha when many believers including holy prophet would doubt on her. Of course Allah is the wisest! It is just poor me, pathetically struggled and failed to understand the simplest thing that could be easily understood and taken by a kid!

Well, the problem is, I was no more a kid by then. I was able to understand why Allah has to be so active about “Aisha case” ignoring millions of other problems in the earth.

I utterly failed to understand the importance of legitimization for the holy prophet to marry his adopted son's wife and how this deed is useful or be a good guidance to be followed by the Ummah?. What we as a Muslims, or as Non Muslims, could learn or gain from this prophetic example for our advancements?

I never could understand how sura Lahab can be considered as the eternal words of the almighty and all merciful creator of the universe. Rather HE sounds to be a frustrated, hateful, vengeful, powerless and mean minded god who cannot punish his creature by himself but to curse so nasty humanly.

I have learnt that the prophet is the best person among the mankind for the all time and it is my duty to follow his footsteps, imitate him in every aspect of my life. Every Muslim tries it, so did I? But Allah sealed my heart and perhaps I am one of them whom he created to be fuel of his hells. Otherwise how could I be failed again to follow the footsteps of my beloved prophet?

When I will be in my 52 or 53 (if I am alive still then) should I not marry a 6 years old girl, perhaps a daughter of my friend, no matter she reaches her puberty in her 9 or whatsoever? Surely I can’t, because it is a prophetic and holy act, far beyond of me to reach as a filthy cynic!

I can not undertake a genocide either, like he committed to Bani quriza, I cant torture a Kinana just to know where the treasures are hidden, I cant kill any Ka’b or Asma for composing poetry criticizing me, I cant consummate (Rape) a Shafia same day after killing his beloved husband and father, I cant consider innocent children and women as booty. I can’t perform Azl with captive women to prevent her pregnancy so that her price does not fall down in slave market. I cannot take 14 wives, many concubines and slave girls to have sex. I cannot cheat my wife (Hafsa) to have sex with slave girl Mariah the Coptic. I cannot sly infidels wherever I find them. I cannot abstain myself taking friends among infidels. And there are many more things for which I cannot follow his holiness footsteps. I don't believe in the myth that “Islam is the religion of Peace or: Islam is a complete code of life” Because, now I know the history of Islam how it multiplied, I witnessed the Taliban regime (an ideal Islamic regime and real Islam in action) and understood the essence of Islamic “complete code” of life theory, completely unmatched with human rights that I have learnt.

I witnessed the Hadith in action when they dealt with women in Afghanistan, forced to leave jobs, hijabified, stoned, lashed and hanged. Bunch of bearded Neanderthals roaming the rocky milieu carrying AK-47, this picture has become a nightmare to me. Not even in my worst dream, I would want to be amongst them, never. I don't want to be dictated by a 7th century cave man in my daily life- how to eat, how to sit, how to sleep, how to sleep with my wife, how to wash private parts, how to walk, how to select proper stone to use after urinating. All of a sudden, I become just too much unholy to accept all these craps.

I was alone, living with my evil thoughts and having volcanic eruptions inside me. I could not share my thoughts to anyone else freely. I have seen the fate of Taslima Nasreen, and Prof. Ahmed Sharif and I was frightened for me since I could not control myself many times while talking about religion and especially about Taslima, in several occasions with couple of Tabligue students in my university dormitory. I have been marked as anti – Islamic and pro-Israel by them. My room met advised me not to cross the limit. I decided not to put me in any more danger. I changed the dormitory and become quiet but never left my quest.

After 9/11, once just to see what happens, I put the word “anti-Islam” in google and clicked search. It led me to the answering For almost 2 years I have been clinging to that site to read its contents almost every day. That time I felt I am not alone. And there are many evil minds like me who are after the truth. It empowered my mind and attested my questions and thoughts about Islam. I started feeling that in some extent I was correct about Islam. This site helped me a lot. I started to copy paste many articles in my hard disk to read them later. I have taken books available there and from other similar sites.

I have been greatly inspired by speeches and writings of Dr. Humayun Azad, my favorite professor in university. In February 27, 2004, a brutal assassination attempt occurred to chop off him by local jihadiest, after like 1 hour, we left him at the on going “book fair” after discussing about his new book Pak Sar Zamin Sha’ad Ba’ad -1st line of the Pakistani national anthem. After recovery of that attempt he went to Germany and found dead at his suit in Munich, which I believe they murdered him with the help of Munich al-qaida operators.

I can not forget it; he was like a lone brave fighter who has been fighting against the holy(?) forces with his massive pen (since other great fighter Taslima Nasreen has been already deported from the country.)

This incident had to leave a significant impact on me. By then, I was convinced and realized that Islam the “religion of peace” must be taken care of somehow. It must be stopped because there is nothing good in it that can’t be found else where, but it is unique in its evil design, nature and teachings, not available elsewhere. It’s devils cult transforming good humans into ruthless zombies. It is against humanity, against our advancements, destroying our culture & heritage, taking away our identities, making us arab controlled dhimmies. Yes it is, Muhammed is not any messenger from any merciful god, he himself is disguised in him as his allah. So he lied. He is the biggest liar in the history. From now, I not only would denounce Islam, the religion of hate, but, shall take an oath to work against this devilish cult till I am able.

I could not make up my mind how and from where to start. Writing book in Bangla using materials I already collected, was a dangerous idea considering the situation in Bangladesh, so I decided not to do that. Moreover, after that incident, I don't think any publisher would be interested in any book that would definitely be banned here by less than a week. My English is not as good as to write something like book about Islam in English so; my mind would wander in vacuity for few more months until a link would lead me to the great site FFI and great writings of Dr. Ali Sina. I found an objective.

Dear Dr. Ali, I do consider myself as a soldier of kufr in this war against Islam. To contribute substantially, I was thinking about a Bangla version of FFI.

I believe I could contribute here for Bangladeshi and Bangla reading Muslims who would love to read your outstanding articles and stunning debates in their own language and could understand properly for possible apostasy. At the same time I also fear that pro- Islamic Bangladesh govt. can ban the site if exposed too much. I would love to have your thought in this regard.

Thank you so much for showing me the way and also many thanks for your time you spent reading me.

Best regards


Source: Faith Freedom International