Islam Under Scrutiny by Ex-Muslims

Articles, Comments

Lonely Apostate

Dear Ali,

The submitters have cleansed half of the junks that used to be my belief. However, I started doubting them when they say that Rashad Khalifa is the messenger/rasul ordained by Allah to reinstate the pure Islam as it was 1400 years ago. I would still have submitted had they not proclaimed the messengerhood of Dr. Rashad. Thus, when they started replacing Mohammad with Rashad in the English translation of the Quran; that was the wake up call for me. Nevertheless, my thanks goes to them for without whom, you Ali Sina would have had difficult time to convince me to leave Islam. The submitters initiated my doubt about the present Islam; Ali Sina perfected it.

I feel liberated like most apostate here feel. But I have to admit there is also a void in my heart. Living in Islamic country where apostasy is a taboo, I feel LONELY. My best friend from university had turned against me, and reported me to the local authorities. She forwarded my emails to them. Lucky that the authority could not trace me because my friend did not know my address and the address of my office.

Ali, I am lonely! I mean I can't possibly find a partner who shares my belief or rather unbelief. I can't marry a non-Muslim because my identity card carries the fact of my previous religion. Our marriage would be null and void. To change it would cause an uproar in our registration department where I will be subjected to courses for abandonment of Islamic belief.

I am so helpless. I have biological as well as emotional needs but I can't be living together without marriage because that is uncalled for. I don't believe in one nightstand or jumping from one bed to another. I need to have a family of my own. I am a family person. I want to have a marriage bond where my future spouse and children would enjoy the benefit of a family proper, just like the one I grew up in, showered with love and affection. By the way, my family is a staunch Muslims in terms of practices and rituals but they condemn the mass killing by Osama or any killings in the name of religion like the Aum Shinrikyo of the Japanese Shoko Asahara.

Just like Iran, we too have moral police here equipped with statutory enforcement and punishment, albeit they do not harm you like Iranian moral police, but it would be enough to humiliate my family if I were to be caught. I can't bear the thought of my family being hurt by my arrest. I love them so very much. Thus far, I have been living like a hypocrite. I perform the salat and sawm at home.

Do you have any solution? Nooo... I don't want to emigrate. I love my family, see.. I am such a hopeless! But I'm so very lonely...

Yours sincerely,


Dear Tanjung

Let us first celebrate the fact that you have become enlightened and left the cult of hate. Congratulations and kudus to you for your sagacity and insightfulness.

As for your problem of feeling lonely in an Islamic dominated country, I think you are being overly pessimistic. There are many apostates living around you who share your views but just like you they are afraid to talk and don't trust anyone. We apostates are the fastest growing "religion" of the world, i.e. if you can call apostasy a religion. People are leaving Islam every day, and our number is growing exponentially. The real challenge is how to find the apostates when everyone is afraid of speaking and hides his or her disbelief? Again I think the Internet is the response. Try to find someone through the Internet. Write a personal ad and announce you are looking for a life companion. When you fill your ad, don't say that you are an apostate. Present yourself as "nominal Muslim". When you meet someone, discuss about his religious views and see to what extent he is brainwashed. In the course of your correspondence tell him you are reading and are curious to see what he thinks about it. Chances are that once he starts reading this site, he too will become a full-fledged apostate. However, listen carefully to his reactions and see what he says. Don't argue with him. You don't want to convert him but to find a suitable husband. If he starts being abusive and react negatively, you know he is not the right person. Agree with him and move on. You don't have even to meet your contacts. Just make that test before meeting them to see whether they qualify. When you want to find someone online, you have a list of criteria that you expect your potential mate to have. Add religious views to that list.

My dear Tanjung I know what you go through and I know it is difficult. However, since your eyes are opened now, you will not find happiness with a Muslim man anymore. He will abuse you just because of your disbelief. You have to find someone enlightened like yourself -- someone who can treat you and your mind with respect. It might be a little more difficult, but it is not impossible and the reward of finding such person is huge.

Ali Sina

Used with permission from Faith Freedom