Well, Ah must admit Ah had not given it much thought. Why would Muslim men think they had a right to rape white women? It couldn’t be because white women didn’t wear much in the way of clothes. That didn’t make sense.


For some time now, Muslim Imams have been describing white women as uncovered meat, like sides of beef left out in the street for the cats to scavenge on. It’s an interesting metaphor, but it is difficult to visualize. Ah has never seen a Muslim man that Ah thought looked like a cat—cool or otherwise; a dead one maybe, but not cool or otherwise. Most of the Muslim men Ah have seen look more like Mohammed Atta with the Devil’s pitchfork sticking in his butt than they do like the Sheikh of Araby. But that’s only mah personal opinion and is based on years of reading Li’l Abner and watching old Rudolph Valentino movies.

Then Ah remembered the big demonstration the Sikhs held a couple of weeks ago in Luton, a large town about 30 miles north of London. They were protesting the rape of a teenage Punjabi girl by whom the police described as a 19-year-old Radical.

A Radical? Is Karl Marx riding high again? No, the police is now calling Muslim terrorists Radicals.

Once upon a time a Muslim was Muslim. Then they migrated to England. When the crime rate shot through the roof, Muslims became Asians. I don’t know what Charlie Chan would have thought of that—probably not much.

Now that Muslims has dishonored the name of Asians, it appears the authorities are going to call them Radicals. But that won’t work in the Sikh community. They know a Muslim when they see one.

Ah suppose one of these days, the police will start calling these malefactors of great religion wherever it is they hails from. They will be Yorkshiremen or Hertfordshiremen or Londoners—wherever they last domiciled. The Liberals will like that; it will keep them from having to face reality for a few more months.

Pat Garrett, bless his heart, never once referred to Billy the Kid as Old Man Kid. He was always the Kid. Truth in advertising—it’s a lost art. It went out with Churchill and Maggie Thatcher.

Muslim men have been targeting Sikh women for more than 20 years. It’s an old and sad story.

All that talk about uncovered meat and the Sikh protests got me to thinking. And when the boys at Joe’s Bar and Grille and Gun Club suggested Ah should look into it, Ah decided to mosey down to the nearest Coffeehouse, secure a public chair in front of the place, and take a look at the uncovered meat Ah was assured would be passing by all day long. Maybe Ah could find out what made Muslim men to want to rape white women—not that they hasn’t had their way with tens of thousands of Southeast Asians, Hindus, Buddhists and animists, Allah being oft-forgiving. It’s a nice phrase… oft-forgiving. Ah don’t know what Jesus Christ would have said, but Ah can guess: He would have written ole Mahomet out of the Bible and Louis Farrakhan would be selling Kool-Aid to ex-cons these days, instead of gabbing and parading around Chicago with Rahm Emanuel.

Now Ah must admit some of the women Ah viewed were a bit uncovered, but nothing like the Folies Bergere. Hugh Hefner would have fallen asleep. Even Potsy and Ralph Malph would have gotten bored after a few minutes. And the ladies came in all sizes and shapes and ages. They was young girls trying to walk like grown women and old ladies trying to walk like young girls. Some wore shorts, some wore miniskirts; some wore granny dresses. They was all well-behaved. They wasn’t flaunting their wares. Ah had a good time; Ah was in the shade and Ah don’t think Ah nodded off more then two or three times.

And the menfolk were respectful. They was like the women—they came in all sizes, shapes and ages. They was this one young fella playing the guitar. He smiled at the uncovered meat as if they was all packaged and they smiled back. They was folks seated at the tables, talking and passing the time of day, sipping coffee and chocolate beverages. It was as if Ah was in mah own living room, entertaining a passel of in-laws and it didn’t cost me a cent.

Ah tried to imagine what it would be like if Ah was a Muslim man. It was difficult. Now some of the ladies was downright pretty, but not a single licentious thought entered mah head. No matter how Ah tried, Ah could not get stirred up. Maybe Ah had seen it all. Maybe Christianity had ruined me. Ah had seen so much uncovered meat Ah had grown used to it—Ah had accepted it as natural. Was there something wrong with me? Ah didn’t think so. Ah was President of the local George Gabby Hayes Society, and when Ah RECENTLY had mah physical checkup, the Doc said Ah was as splendid a specimen of a Neanderthal as he had ever seen.

Well, Ah was stumped. Ah couldn’t go back to Joes and quote from the Qur’an. The boys would scoff at me. Ah would have to say something intelligent, and there was nothing intelligent in the Qur’an. Nothing like “Get thee behind me, Satan,” and “Love one another as I have loved you.” It was all about striking off fingertips and eternal doom.

So, Ah moseyed down to the nearest bar for a beer so’s to get the taste of coffee out of mah mouth. Now, Ah’m not an alcoholic; Ah drinks coffee to get the taste of beer out of mah mouth. Ah’m sort of an indiscriminate drinker.

Well, Ah had scarcely set down at the bar when Ah noticed a group of young women sitting at a table. They was having a great time. They was a laughing and a joking—they was letting their hair down. They was right intelligent, and judging from some of the comments Ah managed to overhear, a whole lot smarter than most of the men in the bar.

It was sad. When Muslims take over, there won’t be any of that. The gals will be back in the kitchen. Islam will throw one of its burlap bags over the uncovered meat, and the world will be a whole lot worse off than it was. And it made me mad. Ah ordered a cup of coffee to get the taste of beer out of mah mouth.

But Ah had mah answer. Muslim men were inferior to white women. That’s why the Imams were ranting and raving and calling them uncovered meat. They were hoping to do to Sarah Palin and Michelle Bachman what they had done to Muslim women for 1,400 years—terrorize them into a sense of inferiority, so the stupidity of Muslim men wouldn’t be so obvious. And to a certain extent, they were succeeding. Look a Christiane Amanpour and Naomi Wolf and Yvonne Ridley. Pathetic!

Muhammad was a smart fellow, not as smart as Hitler but far more devious. And he hated women. Anyone, who would take a nine-year-old girl for a bride, was not normal. Aisha and Eva Braun! No child brides for Hitler. He was a grown man.

Now Muhammad was wise enough to know men would be stupid enough to follow him and that women wouldn’t. But he couldn’t get rid of women. Who would he have to push around? So he had Allah declare them stupid. He would treat them like children, cover them head-to-toe with burlap or goatskin or whatever they used in those days. And they could be circumcised to control their sexual urges. “Do not cut too severely,” he said.

With the spread of Islam into Western Europe, cases of female genital mutilation skyrocketed in England, Denmark, the Netherlands and elsewhere. British medical authorities estimate 2,000 young girls were circumcised in England in 2010. The Brits outlawed the practice in 1985 and it’s been illegal since 2003 to take a child outside the country to give her the works—to make her a grown women.

And as far as Ah know, no one has told Barack Obama that an estimated 228,000 women have been circumcised or are at risk of being put under the knife in the US. Most of these women are Muslims or from African countries. And the Democratic Party is talking about the Republican’s war on women.

So the Prophet gave Muslim men domain over women—all women, Muslim women, white women, ebony women. He turned Muslim men into sexist, chauvinist homophobic nuts. It was quite an accomplishment. Hitler could have learned from Mahomet.

But the good Lord in his infinite wisdom was smarter than Allah. He made women more intelligent than men. And to make sure they didn’t take advantage of the lesser endowed, he made men stronger—a separation of powers that must have had Thomas Jefferson chuckling to himself all the way to the Constitutional Convention.

Ah went back to Joe’s Bar and Grille and Gun Club. “Boys,” Ah said. “Women is smarter than men and men is stronger than women.”

“Shucks, we know that,” said Socrates. “That’s why we got married—so we would have someone to do our thinking for us while we do our men stuff—like huntin’ and drinkin’ and explorin’ outer space.”

“What about the uncovered meat?” asked Joe. “Did you get an angle on that?”

So, I quoted from the Qur’an—and they scoffed.

So, I quoted from Tabari—and they scoffed.

“You can’t tell us Muslim men believe that crap?” said Fruit Fly Paznicky.

“Unfortunately, they do,” Ah said. “For lack of a better phrase, they is sexist chauvinist homophobic nuts.”

Cowsnofsky blinked. “Has anybody told Gloria Steinem?” he asked.

“Ah’m afraid old Gloria is on their side in this war,” Ah said.

“I can’t understand it,” said Joe. “I’ve been to the ballet three times in the last year and I’m getting to enjoy it. What more do they want?”

“This is a battle for the heart and soul of America,” Ah said. “The left has joined with our enemies to bring down Capitalism. It doesn’t matter to them that Muslim men are ten times worse than we’ve ever been. They hates Rooster Cogburn more than Ned Pepper did. They thinks when it’s all over, they will be running things.”

‘Sad,’ said Cowsnofsky. “Sad.”

Everyone was silent for a moment. Then Joe smiled. “Well, how was the uncovered meat?” he asked.

“Can’t say that Ah saw any,” Ah said. “But Ah do have a sudden hankering for one of your raw, pickled hamburgers.”

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